MVN: Most Valuable Network

It's no secret as to how the Dolphins went from being a large pile of shit you found in the middle of your living room to the brand new 50 inch plasma HD television you like to show off to the neighbors. And it's not the schedule and it's not luck being pulled out of our asses. It's The Cockpuncher himself, Bill Parcells. The man is a football team building savant, and while Tony Sparano and Jeff Ireland deserve many props, this is Parcells' show. And it's man-tit-licious.

The man is building from the inside out and has already made the Dolphins relevant in just his first season at the helm, and has us on the verge of the greatest turnaround in NFL history. A quick look back at his earlier moves just puts a stamp on what he's done so far: Zach Thomas is playing for a dysfunctional Cowboys team. Cleo Lemon is languishing on the Jags bench where he belongs. Jason Taylor's Redskins won't be making the playoffs this year -- and that pick we got for him turned into a middle second rounder. Joey Porter was brought back to life and Matt Roth went from being a joke to a guy that can make you involuntarily lose control of your bowels just by saying your name. Meanwhile, rookies Jake Long and Dan Carpenter are Pro Bowl bound while Devone Bess has emerged as a draft-day steal. And then there's that whole Chad Pennington MVP-talk thing. Not to mention the pickups of Donald Thomas and Justin Smiley who were having Pro Bowl seasons before suffering unfortunate injuries, and the unlimited potential of Philip Codpiece Merling and his trusty sidekick, Kendal The Badass Langford.

Bill Parcells just eats, breaths and sleeps football twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Last night alone, I bet you anything he just sat in his office watching NCAA football game tape figuring out how he's going to continue building the Fins into a perennial contender by breaking down linebackers' sideline speed and receivers' 40s, looking for the next batch of hidden talent to unleash upon the world to remind us all just what a genius he is.

In a related story, just last night I was watching Ugly Betty and during the commercials figured out how I can help both that lady taking some pill to help end her constipation and that guy taking some pill to help him get an erection. One word: anal.