Hi. I'm Matt Roth and I'm Making Roid Ragin' Plays For You!

Fins Nation

October 7, 2008

Hi. I'm Matt Roth and I'm Making Roid Ragin' Plays For You!

8 Comments

By The Dude

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(Yelling at the top of his lungs)

HEY DUDES!!!

HOW THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY???!!

HUH?!??!

WELL, I'M JUST HERE TO TELL YOU THE TREMENDOUSLY POSITIVE, FREE-OF-PROBABLE-FUTURE-HEALTH-AND-MENTAL-NEGATIVE-RAMIFICATIONS EFFECT THAT TAKING STEROIDS HAS PRODUCED IN ME.

SEE THAT PICTURE UP THERE??!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!

WELL, CAN YOU, YOU FUCK?!?!

YES?! OH! COOL! WELL, THAT'S MY TEAM PICTURE TAKEN EARLIER THIS YEAR. AT THE TIME, EVERYONE CALLED ME "T-REX" IN THE LOCKER ROOM SINCE I WAS RATHER FEVERISH AND TENACIOUS YET MY FREAKISHLY-SHORT ARMS ONLY CAUSED MY TEAMMATES TO ERUPT IN LAUGHTER NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED PLAY AFTER PLAY IN PRACTICE AND GAMES.

THEN I DID A FEW CYCLES OF SOMETHING CALLED 'DEPO-TESTOSTERONE CYPIONATE' AND I FEEL FUCKIN' GREAT!! DID YOU SEE THOSE 5 TACKLES I POSTED ON SUNDAY?!?!?! THREE OF THOSE WERE FOR A LOSS AND I EVEN HAD A SACK!!! AT LAST, I WAS A PLAYMAKER!!!

EVERYBODY SAYS I LOOK CERTIFIABLY INSANE IN PICTURES FROM SUNDAY'S GAME BUT I DON'T FUCKING SEE IT! SEE FOR YOURSELF, ASSHOLE:

I SWEAR I DON�T LOOK LIKE A ROIDED OUT MEGA-MAN. WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?!?! I�LL FUCKING DESTROY WHOEVER SAID THAT ABOUT ME!!!

FACT IS, THERE ARE, IN REALITY, FEW SIDE EFFECTS TO THIS WHOLE �STEROID THING�. THE LIBERAL MEDIA WANT YOU TO THINK IT�S BAD FOR YOU. THAT IT CAN CAUSE �HARMFUL CHANGES IN YOUR CHOLESTEROL LEVEL�, �ALTERATIONS IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE HEART�, �SUDDEN CARDIAC DEATH�, �DEVELOPMENT OF BREAST TISSUE IN MEN� (WHICH I THINK IS KINDA FUCKIN� AWESOME???), �TESTICULAR ATROPHY� AND OTHER BULLSHIT ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY THAT MAY ULTIMATELY RESULT IN THE MURDER/SUICIDE OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS.

BUT I DON�T BELIEVE IT.

AND LOOK AT THE RESULTS I�M GETTING!!! LOOK AT ME NOW, FAGGOTS!!!

GORGEOUS, HUH?!!!

WHO�S MAKING PLAYS NOW, PUSSY??

YOU WANTED ME TO MAKE PLAYS?!?!?!

I�M MAKING PLAYS NOW!

(bangs chest)

I�M MAKING PLAYS NOW!

(bangs chest)

I�M MAKING PLAYS NOW!

(bangs chest)

I�M MAKING PLAYS NOW!

(bangs chest)

I�M MAKING PLAYS�

(devolves into a crying fit on the floor of locker room)

-DRK

Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL

Discussion

8 Comments on "Hi. I'm Matt Roth and I'm Making Roid Ragin' Plays For You!"

Posted by Coral Gables Dave, October 7, 2008 9:44 AM

I HAD ME SOME DEPO-TESTOSTERONE CYPIONATE FOR BREAKFAST AND I FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC AND READY TO TAKE ON MY FUCKING DAY!!!!!!

AAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

/smashes computer
/gets fired
/rips boss's arms off

Posted by Mooch, October 7, 2008 10:42 AM

I'm scared now.

/scared

Posted by vman, October 7, 2008 11:02 AM

T-rex.....that's fucking funny.

Posted by phranchise, October 7, 2008 11:52 AM

Didn't Matt Roth used to, like, suck?
Reminds me, is that coach outta the hospital? He should get a medal, I saw they awarded him the game ball.

Posted by MarkG, October 7, 2008 11:58 AM

ohh hope its not roids i hope its just a "positive" attitude and a new way of seeing the game, you know like when players get better the game slows down for them. My suspision is that he will be getting busted with the WIZZANATOR.

Posted by BIG BEN, October 7, 2008 1:54 PM

That last picture is all kinds of crazy.

And yea, this guy used to be sooo slow and shitty. Coaching works. We're seeing it with Roth and Porter. Move those guys where they are better suited and good things happen.

GO PHINS!!!! 'ROID RAGE!!!!!!!

Posted by TK, October 7, 2008 2:00 PM

Jesus DRK, this is the funniest shit you've written to date!

My co-workers are looking at me like I'm nuts because I'm over here yelping with laughter while they drone away at their desks. Too fucking funny!

Brilliant, good sir. Brilliant.

Posted by Dat RoRo Kid, October 7, 2008 3:16 PM

Thanks, TK. I have my moments, I guess.

MVN: Most Valuable Network

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Hi. I'm Matt Roth and I'm Making Roid Ragin' Plays For You!

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