FinsNation

Weekender: Say Hello to Clappy McBlueBalls!

You guys made my month last week with your overwhelming kick-ass responses to my re-name Hotshot post. I loved all your suggestions and laughed my ass off with every comment. Ultimately, the winner was a mix between commenters mc13 and Phranchise's suggestions of "Clappy" and "Blueballs."

The new name: Clappy McBlueballs!

The prize: My ever lasting respect. And if we ever meet, the beers are on me.

So yea. Don't fuck with The FinsNation Army! You guys rock.

And always remember what Clappy McBlueballs! says: "Hey kids! When you meet a strange lady and she says she wants to rock, remember your poor pal Clappy and don't forget your cock sock! So long!"

Have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday.

PS: The Dolphins waived last year's sixth-round pick, OG Drew Mormino. Looks like rookie Shaun Murphy has the inside track to start at right guard opposite Justin Smiley.

Dolphins' Top 10 Off-Season Additions

The always excellent Omar Kelly over at The Sun Sentinel lists his top 10 off-season additions by Bill Parcells & His Merry Cockpunchers.

Some names that caught my eye from his list:

Akin Ayodele, whom Omar calls "the most knowledgeable defender when it comes to understanding the defense the new coaching staff will be implementing." Unless Channing Crowder crashes his car into a tree again and flees to Costa Rica, the job should still be his. But Ayodele will give him a run for his money.

Omar also lists safety Chris Crocker saying Crocker is a player "who has exhibited a nose for making plays (seven interceptions and 27 pass deflections) in his five previous seasons." As some of you may know, Crocker shares his name with this guy. But the joke got old and tired after five minutes, so you won't see me making any "LEAVE JT ALONE!!!" jokes. I will, however, note that his last name is Crocker. As in Betty Crocker. But this Crocker doesn't do cookies. This Crocker serves up a batch of freshly baked whoop ass! Boo-yah!! Baking jokes never get old, bitch! Anyway, Crocker will compete with Jason Allen, Renaldo Hill, Keith Davis, Courtney Bryant and my man Yeremiah for one of the two starting S slots.

Omar's list is plenty good. But mine differs. So, here now is my top 10 off-season additions list:

1. OT Jake Long: The Mighty Long is, at this moment, the pillar of this entire organization.
2. WR Ernest Wilford: Because in case you forgot, Derek Hagan was the only other option after Ted Ginn. Also, Wilford's a big dude who's going to move the chains. Our ability to convert 3rd downs is suddenly way better than it has been in a long while. I cannot stress enough how important this signing was. And how can you argue with instant analysis like "way better"? Answer: You can't.
3. OG Justin Smiley: He's young, he's a bruiser, he's nasty and he's a massive upgrade -- literally and figuratively.
4. DT Randy Starks: While Jason Ferguson will clog the middle in the immediate future, Starks is the heir apparent. He's 24 and he fits right in with Parcells' system. Unlike my Black Power tattoo, which seems oddly out of place on my body (because I'm paler than a dead man, and because I'm not African American).
5. DE Phillip Merling: Thanks to a sports hernia injury he suffered in college, he now has the testicle sack of a wild stallion. But if this guy can meet his true potential, he's the next Richard Seymour. And he will be declared the steal of the 2008 draft. Versatile, powerful, and can use his balls as a grappling hook to scale tall buildings? That, my friends, is a draft day steal in any book.
6. DT Jason Ferguson: He's apparently contractually obligated to go wherever Parcells goes. But that's cool with me. Our run defense was the absolute worst last year. That stops with Big Jake on board.
7. S Keith Davis: The man's been shot at more times than Tony Montana at the end of Scarface and yet he continues to live (without the aid of cocaine fueled adrenaline, I might add!). He also brings track-star speed and a hard-hitting mentality that was sorely lacking in our special teams last year. Special teams is a huge key to success and Teflon Keith is its anchor. Add batshit crazy Boomer Grisby into the mix and suddenly we're all praying for guys to fail to signal for a fair-catch, just so we can see an actual human decapitation on live television!
8. TE Anthony Fasano: We haven't had a decent tight end around here since fucking Keith Jackson. We gave up a second fourth-rounder for this dude. He can block and he can catch! That's right. I said CATCH!
9. DE Kendall Langford: He might be a reach but I really like what Parcells and Ireland envision with Langford. They're building a D that runs the 3-4 and Langford excels at DE, DT and OLB.
10. QB Chad Henne: I'm still very skeptical about Henne. I'm a John Beck guy. But Henne's presence will at least bring the best out of the QB competition. Someone will emerge as the franchise QB from this. Until next year when we draft Matt Stafford from Georgia, of course.

So there it is. My top 10 off-season additions list.

Christopher Walken's villainous character from A View To A Kill approves! Observe:

See? (our jokes are always relevant and topical here at FN!)

Anyway, your thoughts, as always, are welcomed...

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

Looks like Ricky Williams and Bill Parcells have started things off on the right foot. And Parcells has already told Ricky that he's going to be Ronnie (Black Thunder) Brown's backup.

Williams said he felt he was the kind of hard-working player Parcells likes. But Williams worried his reputation for off-the-field problems had preceded him.

Instead, Williams said Parcells told him he’d share carries this season with Ronnie Brown.

“I was expecting him not to talk to me at all,” Williams told The Statesman. “I was expecting to get a letter in the mail saying I was going to be a free agent.

“I like (Parcells) more than I thought I would.”

This is good because Ricky is a solid football player as well as a fine purveyor of "Fuck Yea!" moments in recent Dolphins history. We were all very excited last season when he came back from his Canadian exile and was all set to make his triumphant return on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But in keeping with the Dolphins' 2007 slogan, We Have Shit For Luck And It Shows!, a minute into the game some asshole stepped on his shoulder and ended his season.

So I for one am glad he's back and looking fit and focused. Ricky has had more than his share of "Fuck Yeah!" moments as a Miami Dolphin. Most memorable for me was in September of 2002, when he beat the Jets after busting through bodies like Godzilla through Tokyo and sprinting for a 53-yard TD that clinched the game for the Fins. I remember bolting from my couch right after that TD and yelling, "Fuck you! And fuck you! Get the hell outta my house!" to a couple of douchey-behaving Jets fans my buddy had invited to watch the game with us. They didn't get out only because we were actually in my friend's house. But those douchebags got the message: if this was my house, then they would definitely have to go. I get irrationally overzealous, incoherent and pretty much lose all cohesiveness when I watch Dolphins games. It's a gift.

So is Ricky -- entering the season at 31 years of age and as a backup -- going to give us more memories like this now that he's healthy with a clean slate? Fuck yeah he is! Jets fans better be on their guard because I'm gonna show up and verbally kick them out of other people's houses! They cannot stop me or Ricky with conventional doucheyness. Their doucheyness has no power over us! Their doucheyness only makes us stronger!!! Bring it on, I say!

So, yea, Ricky is looking strong.

JT Makes DWTS Finals, Fans Shake Their Fists In Anger

Jason Taylor has made the final round of Dancing With the Stars. I know this because I can read. No so much because I watched last night's show. Because I didn't. I pretty much stopped watching after the third episode. Clearly my threshold for shitty television was not as strong as I originally thought. But, yea, JT has a chance to actually win this thing. And I'm rooting for him. Because why the hell not?

It's May. If JT were down here instead of on Dancing With Some Chick With a Sweet Ass, how would that change things? How many more wins would that bring us in 2008? How much closer would it get us to the playoffs? As far as I'm concerned, the Fins blew their chance at trading JT for real value when they insisted on a 1st or high 2nd round pick for him. I know, I know .... he needs to give 110%, be in the trenches with his teammates, giving his heart and soul and eating, sleeping and drinking Miami Dolphins football 24-7 baby! Rrrarrg!! JT has reported to camp early pretty much his entire career. And the net result has been a big heaping pile of shit with a cherry on top. JT reported for camp early last year because Cam Cameron said he should. And the net result was one win. Unless he retires or gets traded, he'll be here. And yes, he'll give the proverbial 110% when the regular season starts and he'll go about his business of handing Tom Brady his own ass on a silver platter.

Jason Taylor dancing, Jason Taylor not dancing... we suck either way. And newsflash: we're going to suck pretty bad in '08 too. Having a guy in training camp in May won't change anything. Everybody just chill. Let the man dance. So Bill Parcells will have an aneurysm because someone dares defy his supreme authority. GASP! Fuck him, the bug up his ass, and the Ho Hos he had for breakfast this morning. It's May. Last season Michael Strahan didn't report to the Giants until September. And oh yea, he had 2 tackles and a sack on his and his team's way to winning Super Bowl XLII five months later.

Everybody just chill. Put your torches and pitchforks down and grab a Miller High Life.

And... Go JT! Kill The Guchi! KILL THE GUCHI!!!!

Bibiana!

Okay, a vote by a show of hands...

--Who wants to see a photo shoot video of FinsNation's Official Girl, Bibiana?

--Who wants to read about Jason Taylor and his latest performance on Dancing With the Stars?

Yea, that's what I thought.

And to the homo who voted for JT, here.

Otherwise, enjoy....

Bill Parcells Demands Perfect Bodies

I'm gonna run you guys til you puke godammit! Now give me thirty more laps! I'll be watching from here while I eat my roast beef sandwich. I'm gonna have you all in tip top sha... .... mmmmmmmm ..... roast beef ......

Weekender: My Mortal Enemy is a Guy in a Bird Costume!

 

Well, I've finally gone and pissed off the wrong people. Jets fans? No. Mormons? Nope. Scientologists? Wrong again. Fans of Miami's pro soccer team and their mascot? Why, yes! Wait! Miami has a pro soccer team? Whaaa????

Yes and yes. It seems they didn't take kindly to any of the two or three articles I wrote about the Miami FC Blues soccer club for the Miami New Times. As you can probably guess, I wrote some snarky shit about them because, well, I'm an asshole. Also because, c'mon, how could I not? It's my duty as an American to rip a team that features washed up MLS players, calls itself the Blues, holds their home games in a public park where most people go to fly kites, feed ducks and make out on park benches, and have a mascot that likes to make glory-hole posters. I calculated the odds of something being so perfectly set up to be made fun of. Mathematically, I had to do it.

So, here's what the the team's fan club president wrote on their website:

Chris Joseph is a sports writer for the Miami New Times who ... made disparaging comments about our supporting staff  saying, "the team does have a four-girl cheerleading squad and features a mascot that looks like Woody Woodpecker on HGH"... Joseph makes the borderline witty comment "Miami FC Blues are still very much a part of the South Florida sports scene — in that they suck"... Then, like a member of Al Qaida at a U.S. Army recruiting booth, provided time, date and location for the game this weekend against Carolina... If I were a lesser man I'd tell you to go "@#%” yourself…Go "@#%" yourself! Let's get together and find out this guys e-mail address so we can share our thoughts on his ignorant comments.

He eventually posted my e-mail and MySpace address for the fans to send me e-mails and tell me how they're not going to take this lying down dammit!!! So far, I've received a whopping one e-mail. Power to the people!!

Anyway, it's all good. Sure they posted my personal e-mail and compared me to a terrorist network. But hey, when a writer's level of nastiness is calling a guy in a bird suit "Woody Woodpecker on HGH," then, yes, he's definitely in league with murdering religious extremists. Now, I can fight back. I happen to have this fan club president's name and e-mail and I can have you, Fins Nation Army, send him angry e-mails. After all, I'm sure the over 2,000 loyal visitors I get here can find the time to write a quick e-mail for me. But I won't. Because I'm not a douche.

Instead, I'll ask you, FN, to re-name the Miami FC mascot, Hotshot, in the comments. Hotshot doesn't quite cut it and Woody Wood Pecker on HGH doesn't seem to work for them.... so, have at it. Give this pecker a new name...

300 dollars for a ticket? Git oot, you hoser!

For decades the Miami Dolphins have had a running blood feud with AFC East rivals Buffalo Bills. But now, it seems we have a common enemy. No, not the Patriots. Not even the Jets.

It's those damn dirty Canadians!

You heard right. Canadians. Canada is right on top of us on the map. Guess that makes them our asshats. With their menacing maple leaf flag, their gay horse riding cops and this thing they call "Hockey," they're poised to take over our very precious way of life. Namely, watching football while eating a big ass cheeseburger with onion rings and barbecue sauce. Oh sure, they may seem polite, even cordial. But don't be fooled. They're all kinds of backwards up there. From speaking French to playing football on 110 yard fields and yet only featuring 3 downs instead of 4. And if that wasn't enough, did you know they're responsible for unleashing Celine Dion upon the world? Merciless cold hearted bastards! Now they want to take our beloved American football away by charging a Moose's ass for a ticket.

Sideline seats from the end zones to the 20-yard lines will cost $295 a game. Anyone who wants to sit in the lower bowl of the Rogers Centre between the 20-yard lines will pay more than $300.

The Dolphins will play the Bills in Canada on December 7th. So if you were planning to fly up there to watch the team, don't. Unless you're a complete sucker. Or you just hate America. Besides, it would appear that only those Canadians who live in three-story igloos will be able to attend this game. Forget that wall the government wants to build to keep the Mexicans out. We need a wall around Canada. As for Buffalo, they seemingly sold their soul to the evil Canadians for $78 million to make this game happen. Since we can't build a wall around them, let's just keep doing what we've always done: pretty much not take them very seriously. What's their big contribution to society? Deep fried chicken wings? Like we couldn't figure that one out for ourselves. 

South Florida Is the New Utah

Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):

QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!

Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!

OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.

LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.

Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.

 WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.

So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.

Jason Taylor's Goal in Life is to Help Children, Make Parcells' Head Explode

pic taken from the greatness that is The Sports Hernia

When Jason Taylor finishes his Dancing With the Stars gig, he'll jump on a plane and head straight for .... Des Moines?

Yup. Instead of joining the team for training camp in late May when DWTS ends, JT will be heading to Iowa for a charity golf tournament.

Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor will play in the pro-am event at The Principal Charity Classic May 28 at Glen Oaks Country Club. Other celebrities scheduled to appear in the event include Iowa State wrestling coach Cael Sanderson, athletic directors Gary Barta and Jamie Pollard, Bobby Hansen and Tom Davis. Actor Ron Livingston...

I hate Jason Taylor. Not because he's neglecting his duties with the Miami Dolphins. But because he gets to dance with chicks with hot asses and play some golf and that's pretty much it for his day. Hell, I'd do anything for that and I fucking hate golf. What's more important here is wondering how long before Bill Parcells loses his shit and finally starts calling JT out through the media. I also can't wait for the Miami Herald, Palm Beach Post and Sun-Sentinel to write their endless throng of obligatory articles on all this. Again. Good times.

As for me, I just think it's the tits that as soon as he finishes dry-humping this broad, he's off to Iowa to play golf with Peter Gibbons! Jason Taylor's life is awesome.