MVN: Most Valuable Network

This was bound to happen at some point this offseason.  Blame it on The Doldrums.  Blame it on being burned out.  Blame it on my budding alcoholism.  Blame it on the need to finish up work before I'm off for a week of vacation.  You can even blame it on this difficult economy.  There had to be some point at which the voices that maintain this here blog - the ones that think obsessively about our Dolphins, hot chicks to reference and dick jokes to tap away at - would fall silent for at least some small respite.  This Thursday, I fly back to Miami to scower the Everglades, rummage through a tittyball jumphouse at Tootsie's and drink every ounce of alcohol in every bar from West Palm Beach to Key West in search of The Dude.  I may not survive.  I may not come back.  I certainly won't come back the same way I was when I left.  But I know this:  I will find him and he will come back willingly into your arms - all crying, snot and sorrow.

In the meantime, keep following us on Twitter.  You can follow The Dude here and you can get at me here.  I'll probably be posting quite a bit on there while I'm out on vacation because I'll be sitting around drinking and I tend to do rather obnoxious things in conjunction with that fine act.  Just don't ask for cock pics - cuz you will get them and they won't be pretty.

We'll definitely pick things up again in 2 weeks and we'll try to get a Weekender up here if possible.  We know you have a hard time looking up tits for yourself without us giving you the sweet goods.  Have a fine couple of weeks, Nation. 

Feel free to consider this an open thread for any news, comments and info.

Love,

Us Fags

Update:

Mad Motorboating.

And I'm less than 48 hours away from this ole' place:

Well, I had a shitty week.  Hope yours was better than mine.  And this guy's.  And this guy's.  And hers. Yea, the Dolphins have a little extra helping of mojito in them now, Jason Taylor is a re-re-re-re-re-confirmed badass and we have confirmed that The Dude is not in fact an 11-year-old celebrity-crazed, light-in-the-loafers kid after all.  At least that we know of.

This week's girl is Jessica Biel.  While I'm not exactly a huge fan of how built she is in the upper body (her back is probably bigger and stronger than a lot of ours), you gotta say that girl has an ass that would turn my cock into a pine cone if it got close too it.  And by that I mean prickly and difficult to remove because of all the sharp edges.  Ummm...POINT IS she's hot as all fuck and I thank God every day for giving me great timing on always coming across her incredible underwear scene in 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry' every time I happen across it on TV.  Thanks, Big Guy!  Shit just shakes in all the right places.

For the ladies, Ryan Reynolds.  He's likeable enough for me to suck his dick in a Louis C.K./ Ewan MacGregor way.  You know, if I had to and stuff. 

Special shoutout to M.J.  The bar I was at last night played him continuously from midnight on and the guy had some great songs.  Yea, that whole Jesus Juice thing was fucked but what are ya gonna do?  He was barely a human being; couldn't expect him to actually turn out normal. 

Extra special shoutout to our man, Tom Ass.  I'm thinking of you, buddy.  Not my place to elaborate but I just wanted to say something.

And now, more Biel ASS:

May you all get to nibble on some fine ass this weekend.

Have a fun and safe one, Nation!

Welp.  As has been reported for days now, this finally happened.  Greeaaat.  Only so long before Don Johnson puts on a way-too-tight Italian white suit, flamingoes buttfuck each other in the endzone, the skeletal corpse of Art Teele is used for the coin toss, cocaine cowboys of yesteryear become aisle vendors, 'Calle Ocho Sundays' become a reality, Rey's Pizza is served at the concession stands, the guitar guy from 90s Coconut Grove is the halftime entertainment, a club house dance/freestyle mix version of the fight song blares from the speakers (may be a slight improvement, shockingly), Hermanos Al Rescate do the pre-game flyover (thus dropping hundreds of exiled Cubans into the crowd before you're forced to take them home and show them what a Publix looks like post-game), and the various incarnations of Expose over the years become the team's official cheerleaders.

Choicest quote from the presser?

"I'm very happy and thrilled to be part of this team," Gloria Estefan said. "Don't worry, we'll not be calling any plays. And Emilio will not be playing quarterback."

HA HA HA HA HA HA...WON'T BE PLAYING...HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....YOU GET IT??...HA HA   HA    HA           HA                HA  

hmmm...

Well, fistfuck me with a hand full of someone else's shit...

Your recommended generic Miami affiliations for Mr. Ross in the comments.  Please make me laugh, people.

So Mike Berardino wrote about Brandon London's budding modeling career today and...

Yea, nobody gives a shit.  Sorry. 

Doldrums City, Day 9.

Oh, Megan.  You felt bad and apologized.  When Our Creator was personally finishing off your flawless cheeks, whisping away at all the dust from his most perfect masterpiece, did he smile to himself and wonder if what he hath given to us was too perfect?  Too flawless?  Too beautiful?  The world may never know...

/ swoon

Just a few quick hits on things Dolphins-related:

• Ethan Skolnick wrote a very nice piece on former RB David Overstreet.  Guy seemed destined for some nice things and seemed to flash some real talent before he was taken away from us very, very tragically.  Admittedly, this was a bit before my time but you wonder - again - what Danny could have done with a decent running game and a decent defense.  There's probably a myriad of theories as to why they could never get it just right but I'm not sure I want to go into that here.  What I will go into is that I think Ethan Skolnick - especially in the last year or so and maybe a bit earlier - has really found an interesting niche and groove within the Sentinel team over there and I think the dude is really hitting his stride with pieces like this.  Also, his sarcasm on Twitter is fuckin' choice.
• Interestingly, both the Sun Sentinel and the Herald linked to this story on Bernie Kosar by Herald sometime columnist/full-time party patrol member/usually readable Dan LeBatard.  I don't know what that means for the South Florida media landscape but isn't that kinda like me going outside right now and 69ing a Jets fan??  Anyway, great story about a guy I always liked as a QB.  Motherfucker was all jingle jangle AND he thought of the Clock Play (fuck you, Jets fans!).
• Omar breaks down the latest depth chart.  Probably because there's really nothing else better to do so fuck it.
• I'm gonna give Mike Berardino a serious pass until the season starts because he was really excellent covering the Marlins and it is The Doldrums right now, but ummm...yea, he's still workin' on getting this whole writing about football thing down.  Slightly amusing, though.
• PBP takes a look at the receivers - for the 10th time this offseason it seems.
• It has become abundantly clear that Stephen Ross will stop at NOTHING to make me hate this team.  Look, I'm Cuban.  I get it.  You want to get some love for the Dade people to match the Broward/Monroe County Parrotheads or whatever the fuck Buffett is supposed to represent.  I know that 'Landshark Stadium' is where Dade meets Broward and it's not always a pretty sight.  BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU FUCKIN' GOBLIN, PLEASE STOP FUCKING WITH MY TEAM AND MAKING THEM SOME COOKIE-CUTTER SOUTH FLORIDA POSTCARD!!!! When are we digging Don Johnson out of his grave and slapping some Italian shoes (no socks!), sunglasses and a white suit to parade him around the field??  Are we putting pink flamingoes to freakishly flutter around in the endzone during timeouts???  You're the #2 real estate developer in New York City.  Show a little class, man.  Are you that hard up for cash??   LOOK FORWARD; NOT BACK.

(Awesome photo courtesy of Sun Sentinel)

Well, it's been another exhilirating week here at FN.  And by 'exhilirating' I mean another week of Doldrums City, Population: Us until the first week of August or until some newsworthy thing flies out of Arrrrmando's hairy asshole.  No Jets trolls to deal with this week (I actually like it when they're around during particularly cricket-chirping weeks) and I wanted to personally thank all of you for defending the fuck out of our team and our site.  You guys really are amazing and The Dude and I do all that hard work and copious research (i.e. looking at potential Weekender girls ad nauseum and maintaining our wrists/forearms in midseason forms by 'studying' lots of Pornhub tape) so that we can kick back and observe the madness.  Shit makes me get all 'WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE' crazy.

This week's Weekender girl is the recently impregnated Gisele Bunchen.  As you've likely already heard, Ms Bunchen is the latest recipient of Fuckface Jones'  douche juice.  There's probably some other hotter pictures of her out there but I chose this one because her pussy looks so cute and little in this thing that it's hard to imagine that - in 9 months - you'll pull that cute little number to the side and what's likely to greet you won't be so pretty.  In fact, I'm putting my money on a thunderous, swirling maelstrom with something in the center that resembles the little hybrid lizard baby from 80s television miniseries, "V".   It wouldn't surprise me one fucking bit.   Our only hope is that Jason Taylor can somehow jump in there and sack the abortion out of that Hell spawn before it's too late.  That would be the coolest circle-turn around-then turn back-and-punch thing ever.  Do it for America, JT.

As a bonus Weekender girl, I leave you with Mad Men's Christina Hendricks.

Gwowf. 

So.  Much.  Tit.

Have a fun and safe weekend, Nation.

Back in my formative years, I used to be in a band in Miami and one of the lyrics to our songs was 'oh, my head'.  At the time, I had no idea how the heck I came up with this weird lyric but now I see that it must have been foreshadowing to exactly this morning.  I'm fucking hurting. 

So in lieu of this, we're going to take it REAL easy today.  I don't want anyone stressing out there.  Your boss giving you shit?  Fuck him/her.  Your relationship dragging?  Laugh at the overall hilarity of even attempting to have a 'healthy' relationship for any extended period of time.  Slightest bit of sun peaking through the windows causing a sensation akin to someone yelling at your face for hours on end?  Buck up and deal with it.  Slap on a little Neil Young, suck down a "honey slide" and let's cruise on through the day until the night.

As usual, let the comments be your forum for any interesting links, news, etc.  We'll get to the tits later.

PBP reports that the Dolphins have signed 6th-round pick and hulking white boy, Andrew Gardner, to a deal.  Details of the contract are not available at this time but they are said to include a diamond-encrusted cornhusker, a Southern girl from David Lee Roth's infamous and regrettable 'California Girls' video, and a bushel of wheat, along with some other financial considerations.  Gardner is one big motherfucker at 6'7" and 300 lbs and should provide us with some depth along the O-line behind Jake and his enormous, scary contract.  Obviously a 'project' guy, he fits the Parcells mold perfectly having played 48 straight games (they really do love guys that are always out on the field barring the loss of any extremities or necessary appendages) until he tore his labrum late in the season.  Worse comes to worst and the guy doesn't work out, maybe he'll come back even stronger with that torn labrum and turn into fucking Drew Brees or - at the very least - have potential as the 459th tight end currently on our roster.  Maybe. 

And just maybe I'll take about 4 Rhino 51s tonight and troll the East Village knocking down walls with my bare cock while I foam at the mouth and angrily grasp at female pedestrians.  Maybe I'll toss cars into the street and generally terrorize the City of New York with my frothing maw, feverish blood pressure and unchecked rage until every single woman in the 6 1/2 to 10 range is well-fucked and happy, every male Jets fan and unattractive female Jets fan is dead and the city is once again at peace as the morning dawn bathes us in its effervescent glow.  Maybe I'll do that, huh??!!

With all apologies to Davey Walnuts over 'ere, I thought it was absolutely germane to post this pic for two reasons:  1) Megan Fox really is the hottest goddamn woman in the world and anyone that thinks otherwise can go get fucked by a camel in Egypt for 40 Biblical years 2) Seeing as how many of us have never even seen what The Dude looks like, I'm not ready to rule out that this is him and he didn't somehow make it to the UK premiere of the new Transformers movie just to give a lonely rose to FN's official siren.  Are you?

Some on-topic info:  We're on Facebook now.  So, you know, be our friend.  Please.

Image from imager.cc via With Leather